woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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