my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
