Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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