Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
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