Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
