My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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