I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
