My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
