There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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