This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
