I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Small penises have feelings too.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
