pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
