my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
