all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
