haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
