There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
