does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
