its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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