Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
