I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
