so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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