Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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