Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
