Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
