i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize