was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
