And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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