'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
