Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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