Someone shit on the floor
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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