i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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