i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Someone signed my nipple.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
