You smell like a Billy Joel song
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Randomize
