I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
