so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
