Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
