i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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