There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
