Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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