Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Randomize
