I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
