I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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