sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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