I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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