every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
