I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
