I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize