I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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