Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
