So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
