Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
