how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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