wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
