Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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