Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
