Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
