i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
