I just made out with a guy for $7.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
