As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
