He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
