its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
