y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
