wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
