I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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