I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Even my vagina gasped.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
