i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
