I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
