I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think a kid would responsible me up
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize